If Your Resume Could Speak

I’m not sure I can adequately explain the blinding light of being opened for the first time in 10 years. I mean, I was created back in the days of Windows Vista. I missed out on Bin Laden’s capture, the invention of Uber, and the birth of Beyoncé’s twins. Big stuff, man. But in March of 2021, I, Leonard Farthingale Rasmussen IV, was transformed and my life resumed.

I am a resumé, if you haven’t figured that out yet. What? Of course I have a name. All of us do. It’s just not always recognized by our authors. Until this year, my clueless author Jill had me saved under the name “resume2005.jpg.” I mean seriously, who saves a resumé as a .jpg? Is that even possible?

Anywho, I hold all of the momentous career moments of Jill’s life. Until two days ago, that meant the ice cream shop she worked at in high school and later managed in college, and the unpaid internship she did for Anthropologie on a whim after graduating college with a Studio Arts degree. That was over ten years ago. In the meanwhile, she went back for a degree in business and is now the chief of design for a trendy ethical clothing line on the West Coast. She’s applying for an upper management position at a similar company on the East Coast, where she’s planning to move with her fiancé, Mark. Definitely time to make me look pretty again. And by “again,” I mean “for the first time.”

Well, there I am, hibernating in deep laptop storage, when Jill clicks on me. I hear her groan when I flash up on the screen. I’m quite a sight. Ten years old, Times New Roman font, skewed margins, and dorky bullet points, awkward as your middle school prom slow dance to Boyz II Men.

“Worked for Carla’s Creamery. Mopped floors. Chose flavors. Designed window displays. Updated Rolodex?????,” Jill read aloud. “Geez, how did I ever get a job in the first place?” I cringed along with her. Such outdated, generic language. Who even uses a Rolodex anymore? There was no way Jill was breaking any glass ceilings with me; I was dull and useless. I could see myself now, sitting forlorn in the lower third of a pile of job applications, weighed down by the crushing prowess of all the other applications, the ones made in Adobe InDesign, not Microsoft Bored™.

Come on, Jill. Had your frontal lobe even fused when you wrote me? Do you delight in sending me off to be eaten alive by HR wolves? Is some sick pleasure gleaned by my degradation? Because I can tell you exactly what will happen. I will receive one cursory glance from a Hiring Manager, a sardonic bark of a laugh at my shameful appearance (and maybe passed around the table as a conference room joke to pass the time), and immediately be tossed in the trash. Not even the recycling; the trash. I am not worthy of being re-purposed. I will languish in the landfill, i’s picked out by carrion birds.

My revolting reverie is cut short by Jill’s voice, recalling me to dreary reality. “Hey Mark, what’s the name of that company your buddy Sam went to for resumé help? Mine needs some major work.” It would appear she does have a conscience after all.

Mark’s voice came from the kitchen. “He said it was called CareerLaunch. He got a job interview within a week of sending out the resumé they made for him.”

“Did he get the job?” Jill queried.

“Oh yeah. His dream job, actually.”

“Good enough for me!” replied Jill enthusiastically. The next thing I knew, I was attached to an email and soared across the United States to CareerLaunch. I was opened by a nice fellow named Jason who also looked at me aghast when he saw the Times New Roman font and sloppy formatting.

“I can fix that,” he said with a smile.

So here I am, one week later, at the top of the pile on a Hiring Manager’s desk, dominating all the other applications made in Word and Pages. Jason gave me such a facelift, not even my father Leonard Farthingale Rasmussen III would recognize me. I’m armed with eye-catching design and impactful keywords employers love to see.

Jill and I have since made up. And, while she still hasn’t gotten my name right (I’m now saved as JillianMcIntyreCV2021.pdf), I think she has finally realized my worth. Without my unparalleled beauty and clarity, she’d be at the bottom of the pile and not in her dream job with the corner office and a view. After all, how could I hold a grudge after all those compliments I received from the east coast HR department that hired her? I mean, I am pretty amazing.